The “Deal theory”: How to think about your job, relationship, and country
Expats always enjoy being in a country more than its citizens. A Malaysian could have just come out of a Federal Highway congestion only to find himself lost in KL Eco City with Waze rerouting for the third time; to park at a bay that requires him to walk across the street under the hot sun; nearly killed by motorcycles and MyVi’s speeding through the pedestrian crossing even as the traffic light shows red; to read about the news about protests and sales tax—only to finally find a cheery British expat saying “I’ve lived here for 5 years—I love Malaysia!”
A citizen knows too much about his country. Intimate knowledge can be a curse. Reading the news everyday makes you think that all politicians are the same, when progress over the past decade has been substantial. Working on your startup every hour makes you think you’re stagnating, when your big break is around the corner.
An expat is more removed, and thus more objective in what Malaysia has to offer. They might be ignorant to the flaws or courteous to its people or they might have invisible white privilege that gives them a better life. But it is also because they viewed Malaysia as a “deal”. That overall, Malaysia is still a pretty good deal.
Malaysia has many good things other countries don’t have:
Good food
(Mostly) good weather
Nice people with good English
Quick access to the beach and forests
Good infrastructure
Vibrant (enough) economy
Sensible and flexible policies
For all the parts it lacks—underwhelming tourism, entrenched ethnoreligious tensions, overdriven politics, impossible bureaucracy and red tapes, preference for leisure over labour, general acceptance of mediocrity—the question to ask is: “Overall, is this still a good deal?”
The Deal theory is a realistic way to obtain happiness. A deal recognises that nothing could be perfect or exactly suitable to you. Yet it reminds you that you have to make a choice on whether to accept after evaluating the good and the bad.
Once you do, start committing. Because as much as it is important to make the right choice, it is more important to commit once you do.
It is the same in how you assess whether to stay in a relationship.
Yes, he snores at night, leaves his workout clothes out, takes a long time to decide what to eat, prefers to stay in than go out, and isn’t too ambitious. But he is also intelligent and bookish, soft-spoken, kind to elderlies, cooks pasta well, does laundry and cleans after himself, and has good Excel skills.
Is this a deal you’re willing to accept? If it is, then stay.
A job is the same. If you want to earn a lot of money, then the deal you have to accept is a toxic corporate culture that chases profit above purpose. If you want to contribute to the country, then the deal you have to accept is the soul-sucking bureaucracy that has little regard to the world outside of government. If you want to save lives, then the deal is you have to accept seeing people die.
That is not to say you should shut up and stop complaining. Only by complaining and being angry will you be motivated to change something. A country, job, and relationship could only be improved by angry insiders. An expat will not care enough to change your country for you—nor should they.
The Deal theory is about setting limits to how much you complain. Too much complaining is counterproductive, even prompting you to abandon the good things you have. You don’t want to move to Singapore only to regret what you lost from leaving Malaysia.
To be happy, you don’t have to like everything about what you have. You just need them to be good deals.